To be loved is to be seen
Not swiped past in two seconds or judged on one photo, but seen for who you really are. Here's why that matters so much, and what the research says about it.
In short
- We form first impressions from a face in a fraction of a second.
- Feeling understood is one of the things that draws us to someone.
- In long-term relationships, people feel closest to partners who see them as they really are.
- Being seen starts with showing the real you.
When it comes to dating, we spend so much time talking about physical attributes. How tall are they? What colour is their hair? What’s their type? But at Mattr, we believe that to be truly loved is to be truly seen.
It’s the little things, the quirks, the passions, the things that make you you, that make someone so special. Love shouldn’t be about fitting into someone else’s idea of perfect, but about finding someone who celebrates you for exactly who you are.
At Mattr, we’re proud to be creating a neurodivergent-friendly space where individuality is celebrated and authentic connections come first.
So here’s your little reminder: you deserve to be seen, understood and appreciated for all the things that make you wonderfully you.
Judged in a split second
Dating apps can feel like a conveyor belt of faces. That's partly because of how quickly our brains work. In a 2006 study in Psychological Science, Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov showed people photos of faces for just a tenth of a second. Their snap judgements of how attractive, likeable and trustworthy someone looked closely matched the judgements people made with no time limit at all. Extra time mostly made people more confident, not more accurate.
So a swipe is a first impression made from one photo. It can tell you whether you like someone's smile. It can't tell you whether they'd make you laugh, how they treat people, or whether they'd get you.
Why feeling understood matters
Psychologists have a name for what the reel describes: responsiveness. It means feeling that the other person understands you, values you and cares about what matters to you.
It plays a part from the very first conversation. In a 2012 paper in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, Gurit Birnbaum and Harry Reis ran three studies of people getting to know someone new. Overall, people found a new acquaintance more desirable when they felt that person was responsive to them. It didn't work the same way for everyone, though. People who tend to keep others at a distance were less drawn to it.
Being seen as you really are
Over time, being seen accurately seems to matter even more than being flattered. In a 1994 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, William Swann and colleagues found that married people felt closest to spouses who saw them the way they saw themselves, even people who didn't see themselves in a particularly glowing light. Among couples who were still dating, being seen positively counted for more.
In other words, compliments help you get started. Feeling known is what keeps you there.
How to make it easier to be seen
- Write a profile that sounds like you, not like what you think people want to read.
- Choose photos that show what you love doing, not just what you look like.
- Mention the little things that make you you. They're often what someone remembers.
- Do the same for them: ask questions and listen to the answers. Our green flags post has more on why that matters.
Find your people on Mattr. Create a free profile and be seen for who you really are.
Sources
- Willis, J. & Todorov, A. (2006). First impressions: making up your mind after a 100-ms exposure to a face. Psychological Science, 17(7), 592–598.
- Birnbaum, G. E. & Reis, H. T. (2012). When does responsiveness pique sexual interest? Attachment and sexual desire in initial acquaintanceships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(7), 946–958.
- Swann, W. B., De La Ronde, C. & Hixon, J. G. (1994). Authenticity and positivity strivings in marriage and courtship. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 66(5), 857–869.