Pay attention to these on a first date
Don't just ask yourself if they like you. Ask yourself how you feel around them. Here are four things worth noticing on a first date, and what the research says about each one.
In short
- Do they ask you questions back? Interest should feel mutual.
- How do they speak about their exes? You can learn a lot from how someone tells an old story.
- Do you feel relaxed, or like you're performing? You shouldn't have to audition.
- How do they treat staff? Charm means more when it extends beyond you.
First dates can be nerve-wracking for all sorts of reasons, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pay attention to certain things. If anything, you’re probably meeting this person for the first time, so it’s the perfect chance to get to know them. Here are a few things to look out for that will show you a little about their character.
We recently shared a carousel on Instagram about what to pay attention to on a first date. This is the longer version, with the research behind each one.
1. Do they ask you questions back?
Interest should feel mutual. If you're asking all the questions and getting long answers but nothing back, you're doing an interview, not going on a date.
Taking turns matters more than you might think. In a 2013 study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Susan Sprecher and colleagues paired up strangers to get to know each other. In some pairs, both people took turns asking and answering questions. In others, one person did all the sharing while the other listened, then they swapped. The pairs who took turns liked each other more, felt closer and enjoyed it more, and that gap was still there even after the other pairs had swapped roles.
So it's not just about getting your turn to talk. It's the back and forth that builds a connection. We've written more about this in our post on green flags when you're dating someone new.
2. How do they speak about their exes?
You can learn a lot from how someone tells an old story. Every ex is ‘crazy’ and nothing was ever their fault? That's worth noticing. Someone who can talk about a past relationship fairly, and own their part in how it ended, is showing you how they handle things when they get hard.
It also changes how they come across. In a 1998 paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, John Skowronski and colleagues found that when people describe someone else's traits, listeners tend to link those same traits to the speaker. They called it spontaneous trait transference. Across four studies, it happened even when there was no logical reason for it. Call your ex dishonest, and some of that word sticks to you.
That's worth remembering on both sides of the table. How you talk about your past says something about you too.
3. Do you feel relaxed, or like you're performing?
You shouldn't have to audition. First date nerves are normal, but if you spend the whole evening editing yourself, laughing at things that aren't funny or trying to be who you think they want, pay attention to that.
Being able to be yourself matters for where things go. In a 2013 study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Robert Wickham looked at dating and married couples and found strong links between how authentic people believed their partner was, how much they trusted them, and how happy they were in the relationship.
That works both ways. If you're performing, they're getting to know someone who isn't really you, and that's hard to keep up.
4. How do they treat staff?
Charm means more when it extends beyond you. Watch how they speak to the person serving you, the bar staff or the driver. Someone who's lovely to you but rude to everyone else is showing you who they are when they don't need to impress anyone.
Kindness is one of the things people want most in a partner, almost everywhere. In a 1990 study in the Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, David Buss and colleagues surveyed 9,474 people across 37 cultures on six continents. Kindness and understanding came out at or near the top of what people wanted, ahead of earning potential and good looks.
A first date is the one time someone is trying their hardest to be kind to you. How they treat everyone else is a better clue to what they'll be like once they stop trying.
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Sources
- Sprecher, S., Treger, S., Wondra, J. D., Hilaire, N. & Wallpe, K. (2013). Taking turns: reciprocal self-disclosure promotes liking in initial interactions. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 49(5), 860–866.
- Skowronski, J. J., Carlston, D. E., Mae, L. & Crawford, M. T. (1998). Spontaneous trait transference: communicators take on the qualities they describe in others. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(4), 837–848.
- Wickham, R. E. (2013). Perceived authenticity in romantic partners. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 49(5), 878–887.
- Buss, D. M., et al. (1990). International preferences in selecting mates: a study of 37 cultures. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 21(1), 5–47.