First date questions that aren't basic
Six questions that turn small talk into a proper conversation, and the research on why asking good questions works.
In short
- People who ask more questions, especially follow-ups, tend to be liked more.
- We underestimate how much strangers enjoy a deeper conversation.
- Opening up a little more as you go builds closeness quickly.
- The best question is usually the follow-up to their answer.
First date nerves? We’ve all been there! And honestly, feeling a little nervous is completely normal. If anything, it probably just means you care about making a good impression.
And let’s be real, sometimes the conversation naturally goes a little quiet. Maybe you’ve run out of things to say, maybe you’re both feeling a little shy, or maybe you’re just figuring out each other’s vibe. And that’s totally okay! Not every moment needs to be filled with conversation.
But if you do find yourself in one of those awkward little silences, we’ve got you covered. Here are some fun, thoughtful and slightly unexpected first date questions to get the conversation flowing and help you get to know the person sitting opposite you a little better.
Why asking questions works
In a 2017 paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Karen Huang and colleagues at Harvard found that in conversations between strangers, people who asked more questions were liked more by the person they were talking to. Follow-up questions mattered most, because they show you were listening to what the other person just said.
Going deeper than you think you can
Most of us stick to safe small talk with someone new because we assume a deeper conversation would be awkward. Research suggests we've got that wrong. In a 2022 study, Michael Kardas, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley paired strangers up to talk about meaningful topics. People expected those conversations to be more awkward and less enjoyable than they turned out to be, and they underestimated how interested the other person would be in what they had to say.
Deeper conversations may be good for us more generally, too. In a 2010 study, Matthias Mehl and colleagues had 79 students wear a small recorder for four days. The happiest students had about twice as many substantive conversations as the least happy ones, and about a third as much small talk. The study can't say which causes which, but it's a good nudge to skip the weather.
You don't have to jump straight to the deep end. In a well-known 1997 study, Arthur Aron and colleagues had pairs of strangers take turns asking each other a set of questions that slowly got more personal. After 45 minutes, they felt closer than pairs who'd spent the same time making small talk. Starting light and going a little deeper as you go is what makes it work.
Six questions to try
1. What's something you're weirdly good at?
It lets them show off a little, and the answers are almost always surprising. Parallel parking, remembering birthdays, guessing the end of films: there's a story behind every one.
2. What's the best thing that happened to you this week?
It's easy to answer, keeps things positive and tells you what makes them happy right now.
3. What's a hill you'd happily die on?
Everyone has a strong opinion about something, whether it's pineapple on pizza or how to load a dishwasher. It's a fun way to have a friendly debate on a first date.
4. What did 8-year-old you want to be when you grew up?
It's light enough for a first date but often says a lot about what someone cares about, and how much they've changed.
5. What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done?
It invites a story rather than a one-word answer, and you'll find out how adventurous they are.
6. What are you really looking forward to right now?
It shows you what matters to them at the moment, and gives you an easy way to follow up next time.
Make it a conversation, not an interview
Questions work best when they don't feel like a list. Pick one or two, follow up on the answers, and share your own answers too. That back and forth is where the closeness comes from.
No one to ask yet? Create a free profile on Mattr and find someone worth asking.
Sources
- Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J. & Gino, F. (2017). It doesn't hurt to ask: question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430–452.
- Kardas, M., Kumar, A. & Epley, N. (2022). Overly shallow?: Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 122(3), 367–398.
- Mehl, M. R., Vazire, S., Holleran, S. E. & Clark, C. S. (2010). Eavesdropping on happiness: well-being is related to having less small talk and more substantive conversations. Psychological Science, 21(4), 539–541.
- Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D. & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: a procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377.