Dating truths you need to tell yourself

Some dating truths are easier to give than take. Here are four we shared on Instagram, and what the research says about each one.

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In short

• Be open to love, and be willing to walk away from what isn't right.
• If you have to keep working out whether someone likes you, that tells you something.
• A spark is nice, but showing up consistently is what keeps a relationship going.
• Missing someone doesn't mean they were right for you.

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These are a few things worth keeping in mind when you’re dating someone. Yes, hot and cold energy can feel exciting at the start. It’s unpredictable, and that naturally gives you a little kick. But what happens when you realise that’s the whole relationship? That’s where the problem lies.

It doesn’t just take a toll on your emotional needs, but on your physical ones too. Constant uncertainty can push up your stress levels and your cortisol, and that can start to affect you physically. So be aware of it, and date with intention.

We recently shared a carousel on Instagram with a few dating truths you need to tell yourself. This is the longer version, with the research behind each one.

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1. Be a lover and a leaver

Go into dating with an open heart. Be affectionate, be hopeful and let yourself fall for someone. But be just as ready to leave when something isn't working, because being open to love doesn't mean staying in the wrong relationship.

Leaving is harder than it sounds, and sometimes it's because we're kind. In a 2018 paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Samantha Joel and colleagues followed 1,348 people in relationships over 10 weeks, then 500 people who were thinking about breaking up over two months. In both studies, the more people believed their partner depended on the relationship, the less likely they were to end it. The researchers concluded that people can stay in relationships that aren't fulfilling them for the sake of their partner.

Caring about how the other person will feel is a good thing. It just shouldn't be the only reason you stay.

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2. You don't have to decode someone who likes you

If you're rereading their messages for hidden meanings, or asking your friends what a reply really means, it's worth stepping back. Someone who likes you will usually make it clear.

So why do mixed signals feel so exciting? In a 2011 study in Psychological Science, Erin Whitchurch, Timothy Wilson and Daniel Gilbert showed women the Facebook profiles of men who they were told had already seen their own profiles. Women who were told the men liked them a lot were more attracted to them than women who were told the men liked them an average amount. But the women who weren't sure how the men felt were the most attracted of all. They also thought about the men the most, and that extra thinking is what drove the attraction.

In other words, not knowing keeps someone on your mind, and it's easy to mistake that for chemistry. It's a small study, but the lesson is a useful one. Clarity might feel less thrilling, but it's a much better sign.

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3. Chemistry is cute, consistency is hotter

A great spark on a first date is fun. Someone who texts when they say they will, turns up when they said they would and makes you feel wanted week after week is better.

The research agrees. In a 2020 study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, Samantha Joel and more than 80 other researchers pooled data from 43 studies of couples, run by 29 labs, and used machine learning to find what best predicts how happy people are in their relationships. The top predictors were about the relationship itself: believing your partner is committed, feeling appreciated, sexual satisfaction, believing your partner is happy, and how much conflict there is.

Believing your partner is committed came out on top, and that belief is built by consistency, not by a spark on the first night.

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4. You can miss them and still know they're not for you

Missing someone after it ends is normal, even when ending it was the right call. Missing them isn't a sign you should get back together.

There's a reason it hurts so much. In a 2010 study in the Journal of Neurophysiology, Helen Fisher and colleagues scanned the brains of 15 people who had recently been rejected by a partner but were still in love with them. Looking at a photo of their ex lit up brain areas linked to reward, craving and addiction. That pull is real, but it's a feeling, not a verdict on whether you were right for each other.

And it does get better. In a 2007 study in The Journal of Positive Psychology, Gary Lewandowski and Nicole Bizzoco surveyed people who had recently been through a breakup. Many reported positive feelings and personal growth afterwards, especially when the relationship they'd left wasn't a good one.

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Date at your pace

On Mattr there's no daily cap and nothing expires, so you can take your time getting to know someone and see who's consistent.

Sources

• Joel, S., Impett, E. A., Spielmann, S. S. & MacDonald, G. (2018). How interdependent are stay/leave decisions? On staying in the relationship for the sake of the romantic partner. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(5), 805–824.
• Whitchurch, E. R., Wilson, T. D. & Gilbert, D. T. (2011). “He loves me, he loves me not…”: uncertainty can increase romantic attraction. Psychological Science, 22(2), 172–175.
• Joel, S., Eastwick, P. W., Allison, C. J., et al. (2020). Machine learning uncovers the most robust self-report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 117(32), 19061–19071.
• Fisher, H. E., Brown, L. L., Aron, A., Strong, G. & Mashek, D. (2010). Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 104(1), 51–60.
• Lewandowski, G. W. & Bizzoco, N. M. (2007). Addition through subtraction: growth following the dissolution of a low quality relationship. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 2(1), 40–54.